Mabel Smith
Redemption, Culpable County, Mass. A dying woman’s last words struck an uncomfortable chord in the remaining members of the administration of Redemption College last evening, when it became clear that through their negligence, an entire segment of the administration had been wiped out in a freak fungal epidemic. Evidently, the first victim was Mabel Smith, the archivist whose scribbled words echoed so eerily through the empty halls of Perdition Hall, the administration building that was temporarily housing the archives in its basement. Hired last year to “you know, set up some archives shit,” Smith was appalled, “but not surprised,” she had added sorrowfully, to find the College’s most important documents shoved into the darkest, dampest corner of the dreariest, dankest building’s deepest, dustiest basement. And this was where a student found her nearly mummified body last night. It is suspected she has been dead for weeks.
Marijuana
Reed Bookman, a freshman at Redemption College, was “like, looking for a toilet on this godforsaken campus, or whatever sounds like I’m not lying,” and lost his way in Perdition Hall. When he found himself in the bowels of the building, he panicked and tried to escape, and it was then that he tripped over Ms. Smith’s inert body, next to which the authorities found her scribbled message from beyond the grave. It is unclear whether she meant to save her colleagues or the college archives, as it is also unclear whether the remnants of countless marijuana joints were hers or Mr. Bookman’s, although he has since been put on academic leave, ostensibly for having experienced the trauma of finding the long-dead archivist. The smoking of marijuana in a college archives is generally discouraged, although Mr. Bookman has reportedly stated that “presidential papers are by far the highest quality paper,” and it is assumed he does not mean for bedtime reading material.
Deepest, Darkest Corner of Perdition
In a statement earlier this year, Smith had denounced the College’s administration for, as she said, “the negligent death of thousands of irreplaceable records, not to mention the destruction of both this institution’s original legislative charter, and its soul.” At the time, it was unclear whether anything could be saved, due to extensive water damage, mold, and neglect, an impossible and time-consuming job, which is perhaps why nobody seems to know when Smith was last seen alive. The sudden outbreak of the fatal fungal malady last week made the front page of the Culpable County Times, however, when FEMA was called in to try to contain the spread of the deadliest fungal infection since the summer of ’69. The death toll thus far from what locals have dubbed the Epidemic Archives Disorder is 8. Among the dead are various student workers, two vice presidents, the local feral cat (Madge), the aforementioned Smith, and the Dean of Academic College Shit. Had Smith been found earlier, it is possible this disaster could have been avoided.
EAD Death Spores
The President of Redemption College has mourned her decision to house the Archives at Redemption Hall. “If only we had known, we would have put those damnfool papers in the library, or perhaps the Anthropology Department, thereby making it unnecessary for us to fire the long-standing, tenured wackos in both those departments. It sucks that my right-hand man, the DACS, should have to make The Ultimate Sacrifice just because his office happened to be above that archives shit. Thank God I was away at useless academic conferences all month, or I’d be number 9!”
Medical Commissioner Ready for Work
Culpable County’s medical commissioner was equally disconsolate as he told the CCT, “Why, oh, why? Why couldn’t she just leave well enough alone and realize we don’t need this archives shit, that the only possible outcome is the swift and vengeful sword of population control? If she hadn’t opened that acidic Pandora’s box of rotting, stagnant files, none of this would have happened and Culpable County would still be the next-to-last most populated county in Mass. Now, with her and that freak fungal outbreak, we are officially the least populated County in Mass. The least she could have done was send someone a text message with her last words instead of scribbling them on the floor like some medieval heretic, and being directly responsible for this mess. Doggone it, archivists and EAD suck.”
Past EAD Prevention Fire
He and tens of other residents of the greater Redemption area have chartered an organization called Never Archives, Redemption Arise, which prides itself on spreading awareness of the evils of archives and mold and propagating stories that involve Death by Archival Fungus. This founding charter is being ceremonially burned at next week’s meeting, an attempt to “get the message across that important papers should be destroyed before they infest the population with EAD or shit like that.”
The Mayor of Redemption originally disagreed, stating that if only the College had realized decades ago how important records are, then EAD never would have developed. The unpopularity of this sentiment caused him to revise his statement in light of the upcoming election, however, and he is now a card-carrying member of NARA.
Jenks's BFF Schelly
Schelly's BFF Jenks
The president of the American Archivists Society of America has issued a statement mourning the lost records and Smith. “When I think of all those innocent records so callously destroyed in their prime, I want to call down the wrath of Jenks and Schelly on the heads of those culpable. And poor old Mabel. She was valiantly doing her job in the face of unknown freak medical threats to her person. Yet another one bites the proverbial archival dust!” he choked out. “It has almost been unanimously decided to name a roundtable discussion after her at the next AASA mid-winter meeting that occurs East of the Mississippi and North of the Mason-Dixon Line. She would have wanted it that way,” he added, before dissolving into tears.
